The Art Of Going Insane

You ever lose all your momentum?

I’m talkin’, you were on top of your game, maybe in school, at work, taking names, running everything, being amazing, getting stuff done on time and then –

Bam.

You wake up one morning and none of it matters anymore, because the program’s over, or you got a new job, or you’re off the trail.

I felt this way when I got graduated into the real world, when college ended and I had no “real job.” And now here I am again. Slowly going insane.

I’m sure there’s some silver lining.

Something must come out of this, right? Something good? Something important?

Look at how strong I am, or something…

It’s really difficult to tell what your important lesson is going to be when you’re in the thick of the bullshit. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be here right now, off the trail. I mean, I’m here because of low funds and family activities. Life is a flurry of high school graduations and a dear teacher’s retirement and a final family vacation and I feel like I need to be at all of it, supporting people, being there for them.

“It all works out,”

Or at least, that’s what I’m telling myself every day as I get out of bed later and groggier with increasing hangovers and less enthusiasm.

I got off the trail because my dear dear Pineapple was incredibly sick. I stayed off because of that. Then I realized I didn’t have enough money to get to Kathadin and, conveniently, a short-term babysitting job appeared. Then I had to be local for my sister’s graduation and family vacation. So, in a quick extreme landslide, I will have been off the trail for 2 months. 

That’s totally not what I imagined.

So, “It’s all working out!” I say. Over. And over. To convince myself that this was worth it, that losing my trail friends had to happen, that I’m going to be back on the trail soon, that it’s going to be fine that this is all…

On the bright side,

There’s lots of things to keep me busy here! (Sort of!)

Look, I can do THIS now!

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Look at this ART! WOW! RIGHT?! I HAND DREW THAT!!

And I’m applying for “real jobs” for when I get back! Hell, I’ve already gotten an interview for one! Isn’t that exquisite?! Turns out, I can function in society (I think).

Going insane is truly an art form.

Maybe this is somehow backwardly connected to the frugality and hard-working-mindset that my mother taught me early on in life, but I believe that something should come out of every thing that you do. 

Being depressed and upset and going insane should not happen silently. It should lead you to brilliant or dangerous places, where you can learn and grow and leave a mark. If you’re going to go insane, you might as well make something of it.

I got thrown into a deep hole of depression this past week because I wasn’t doing anything with my shitty mindset. I wasn’t hiking, I wasn’t making friends, I wasn’t really talking to anyone. I was just sitting in a bathtub watching Angelina Jolie movies or Archer on repeat. Sounds like a scene out of a movie, but felt real bad.

Then, honestly, there was a combination of talking to Pineapple and my dear friend Carleton and somehow, some way, they both convinced me that despite all the boring bullshit happening right now, I am still a bad ass and need to keep going. Actually, when I was talking to them, giving up was never an option. 

Lonely Wayne makes a break for it.

What helps in these situations?

I want to believe I’m making a break for it. I want to escape and be wild. Truth be told, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I’m going to get back on the Appalachian Trail whether it runs my bank account clean or not. And then? …And then and then and then.

Who knows, you might be able to find me anywhere in the world.

Thanks so much for listening to all of this,

Lil Wayne

Hey Stan, You Keep Changing Your Plan

Ah well, you know me! Never can stick to one plan. So, you’re probably wondering,

Why hasn’t she posted anything new?!? What’s going on?! Where IS Wayne?! 

Simple answer: Money Sucks. Oh wait, that doesn’t really specifically answer anything, does it? Let’s rewind –

De Nile Isn’t Just A River In Africa

I am in some serious denial right now because I am still in civilization and not back on the trail. I’m home in Richmond because I ran out of moneyHaving all that time to think at Pineapple’s house made me realize how monetarily unprepared I am to hike all the way to Kathadin.

I feel like I’m failing myself because I’m here right now. It’s overwhelming to have lost all that incredible momentum I had on the trail.

But then? Well, here’s a reality check for ya

  1. I’m here to earn more money so that I can keep hiking
  2. Let’s not forget that in order to qualify as an “official” thru-hiker, a “2000 Miler,” if you will, you get an entire calendar year to do so.
  3. Everyone who’s still on the trail either had enough money prepared to hike more than 2 months OR didn’t get injured, two things that occurred in my story.
  4. I still hiked 400 miles, which is p dope.

Guys, it’s hard to stay positive. It’s hard being in the middle of this story and having it change so many times. It’s really difficult. I dunno, are you exhausted? You must be, reading all this back and forth.

For the Next Month,

I’m going to be in Richmond, VA sitting on babies and saving my money so I can make it back out there in mid-June.

So that being said, if you’re in the Richmond area and need a babysitter, look no further! This girl loves kids, has got no social life, and will cater to your pets/cooking/cleaning etc etc.

Until next time,

Lil Wayne

“Take Your Time”

It’s always been hard for me to just chill.

Call it being overactive, ADD, super excited or whatever. I don’t like sitting down in a house when there are things to do. Even right now, as I am taking a short holiday in the beautiful home of Pineapple’s family, I want to

  1. Hike
  2. Clean the kitchen
  3. Go on a run
  4. Finish reading that book Brian suggested
  5. Write this blog
  6. Write a book
  7. Write a letter to my long lost friend

And I’m thinking about all these things, thinking really hard, thinking too much, getting antsy, fighting my insides when in reality? It’s really not a crime to just sit for a second. Or a minute. Or an hour.

I am working hard. I always am. Why do I feel so bad for taking time off the trail to exist, to chill?

Stop. Pause. Rewind. Where ARE you, Wayne?

OH, that’s right, you probably have no idea what’s actually going on. So, I was in Damascus, VA with Pineapple not too long ago when he started coughing more. A lot, actually. We thus decided to extend the already planned double-zero with his family and got picked up early. Except then, when we got back to his house, things began to look grim for his health.

I am a lover, a fighter, and a supporter. Which leads me to my current position in taking time off to help this kid fight through whatever ailment this is. Cool beans, totally fine. 

Bean the Dog makes even the sickest boy better

So now he’s all like, “Wayne, what are you freaking out about?” because I’m pacing back and forth and then sitting down and fidgeting and planning and almost yelling and cleaning his kitchen until it shines in places it doesn’t even need to because I can’t stop thinking or planning or freaking out.

Take YOUR time!

So now it’s got me thinking about taking my time. This is my time to have, my time to spend on whatever I want. Due to my deep care for a friend, I ended up in a lovely home in Virginia off of the Trail, making new friends and learning about philosophy and theology.

I am hiking the Appalachian Trail. I am attempting to make it a formal thru-hike, 2200 miles in one calendar year. It’s going to happen in pieces, but it’s going to happen fully.

At first I saw “taking your time” to mean going slow, going at your own pace. But then, today, I started thinking more about it. Wasn’t the point of this trip for one to take ownership over one’s time? How could I possibly forget that!

Here I am in between a new dear friend, a crazy hike, my familial obligations, and a duty to keep working to give this blog valid fulfillment. That’s why – that right there, that’s all in my mind, almost constantly. How to make it all work, how to fit all the dedication and the loyalty in my heart into reality. It seems there’s more room for that stuff in my heart than there is in the real world. Maybe it comes down to lack of resources rather than space.

Either way, I feel myself breaking and expanding into something more, something stronger. Much like scars are tougher than the skin that broke, I am stretching and breaking to fit more in, to be able to hold all this “more” tighter.

This sense of guilt, of duty, is hurting me more than it’s helping. In the end, no one owes anyone anything beyond kindness and understanding. And in my situation, there’s no reason to justify, to fight against people who support you, who listen to your story. There are no fingers to be pointed, no havoc to be wreaked. I am creating a false sense of immediacy and pressure in a world that demands nothing but genuineness. Being away from the Trail has brought back the negativity my mind used to hold. I am wont to worry, to pressure myself into creating something of “worth.”

Worthiness will come.

A Woman With a Plan

I’m going back to the trail on Thursday. Here’s the plan, Stan: hike the trail locally until Pineapple gets better, hitch a ride with the family back to Damascus, keep hiking until Elena’s graduation, go do that, then come back! 

It’s still happening, and I need to remember that. I get so antsy, so confused, and so sad to update people when I get off the Trail. But this is all part of it. These side trips are all part of the big journey.

I’ve been having a ball with Pineapple’s fam. Oh my gosh, they seriously are the coolest group of cats! I’m learning about philosophy and theology from Brian who’s got a big shiny Ph. D, and the ladies of the house are the most positive, beautiful, forward thinking people I’ve met in a long time.

So cheers to the future, cheers to wherever this adventure will bring me next.

I hope you take your time, take your time by the reigns because we only got so much of it! And it’s best spent living, no?

xoWayne